Past their expiry date

Brush up your German

By J. B. C. Grundy, J M Dent & Sons Ltd, 1939, hardback,

I'm so happy! I thought we had lost this book and now it's turned up!
And it's the best language book ever (and I am including in this category The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English in Two Parts by Pedro Carolino published in 1869: a 2-volume tome of utter genius, written by a man who spoke neither English or Portuguese but did have some handy French-Portuguese and French-English dictionaries on hand!). Anyway... it's time to Brush up our German (hee hee even the name is funny!).

It has running conversations in both English and German, with dinky little cartton illustrations - like the handy visual reference of numerous fascist uniforms, just in case.

From the inside blurb...
"Since the original Brush Up Your German appeared eight years ago 50,000 copies of it have been sold. But so much has happened in those eight years - National Socialism for one thing, and 'Greater' Germany for another.
So Herr Meyer and his charming wife Ilse go back to see just what has happened, taking with them their son Werner, who is to go to Nazi boarding-school. (not to mention camping with the Hitler Youth, BGH) Matters are slightly complicated by the fact that Herr Meyer has a non-Aryan great-aunt somewhere up the family tree.
...All the essentials of life in Germany today are here, either in sprightly (sprightly?) conversations or in the useful vocabularies and appendices..."

Certainly if I were travelling in Germany in 1939 this is the book I would take with me.

Here is part of Lesson 36 - The First of May. (The english version only, I'm afraid, because I'm too lazy to type it all again in German.)

Herr M. Have you ever seen such a sea of flags? - Incredible!

Frau M. And all those fresh green birch trees in front of the houses! The weather looks pretty threatening (not the only thing in 1939 Germany that's pretty threatening, I'm thinking! BGH) The poor May Queen will certainly be frozen stiff in her festival clothes.

Herr M. I hope she's pretty. She's sure to have golden Nordic pigtails and bright blue eyes.

Frau M. Well, we must wait and see. Can you hear the band?

A Military march can be heard in the distance.

Herr M. Here comes the procession. - But they are all men!

Frau M. Yes, latterly it is only men who take part in the procession I'm told. Just look at those nice Hitler Youths! (Arghhhhhhhh! BGH) I wonder if Werner is marching with them in Berlin?

Herr M. Ah, here comes the battle-standard: now you must give the Nazi salute and stand to attention.

Well. I hope you all found that very informative. "Sieh nur, all die netten Hitlerjurgen!" indeed!

Here's my personal favourite: Lesson 24 - A Nazi Steps In

Herr and Frau M. are getting into a rather crowded Berlin tram. A well-dressed gentleman rises and offers his seat to Frau M.

The Gentleman Won't you sit Down Madam?

A Young Brownshirt (who is standing close by aggressively) We don't say 'madam' any more in the Third Reich. (Well there's no excuse for bad manners! BGH)

A Voice from the Back of the Tram No, and we don't 'ave butter anymore, neither!

The Young Brownshirt (flaring up) Who was that squealing about butter?

None of the passengers stirs.

The Young Brownshirt (excitedly to the passengers) I demand that you tell me who was talking about butter!

Silence - They come to a tram-stop just there: the brownshirt pushes his way through to the front platform and calling to the driver: 'Stop here until the policeman comes!' bounds across the street to the constable on point-duty.

The Young Brownshirt (standing to attention, quite out of breath) Heil Hitler! Will you please come to the tram, enemies of the people are at work (damn those enemies of the people always working so hard - they make the rest of us look so bad, slacking away... BGH) You must restore order.

Sedately the constable follows the young brownshirt. The passengers are intently watching his arrival.

The Policeman Something wrong here? Who's been causing trouble?

A sea of expressionless faces.

The Young Brownshirt (beside himself) A dirty trick, I call it: five minutes ago somebody was squealing out loud about butter. (vigorously) Who was it? I summon you all to hand him over!

Silence

The Policeman (after a long wait) Well I can't wait no longer, I must see to the traffic. Heil Hitler!

You see, so informative, and if you can imagine Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry doing the silly voices as you read it, it's even better. (It's actually a universal truth that if you imagine Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry doing the silly voices while you read pretty much anything, it will be hilarious. Even a phone book or a script from 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.)

Finally here are some useful phrases to work into your day to day conversations - soon you'll be exclaiming happily with Herr M. "Ich seheuns schon als volle Nazis nach Englandzuruckkehren, trot Tante Rebekka."

"Heil Hitler! Erlauben Sie, dab ich Sie darauf aufmerksam mache, Sie storen unseren Empfang der groben Erziehungsrede des Chefs des Fesselballoodienstes Professor von Goebbling. Ich mub dringend um Ruhe bitten!"

"May I point out to you that you are disturbing our reception of the great cultural speech of the Chief of the Captive Balloon Service, Professor von Goebbling? I must insist on quiet!"
(Little known fact - there was a very serious 'balloon enemies of the people' problem in the late thirties in Germany and the armed forces of the day and civil authorities did their best to quell the devilish and dastardly plans of these helium addicted malcontents. - In fact if the rest of Europe and Great Britain hadn't found this dire situation so funny and hadn't laughed at the poor Germans, Hitler would never have gotten his nose out of joint so badly and invaded Poland. It's true I swear! BGH) ***

 

"Hier lese ich gerade, dab Brautpaare auf dem Stadesamt Hitlers, "Mein Kampf" in die Hand gedruckt bekommen. Es ist eigentlich eine Schande, Helmuth, dab wir das Buch immer noch nicht gelesen haben."

"I'm just reading that a copy of Hitler's "My Struggle" is pressed into the hands of newly married couples at the Register Office. It really is a shame, Helmuth, that we still haven't read the book." (Emmmm, I agree! BGH)

 

"Keine Bomben oder Maschinengewehre hoffentlich?"

"No bombs or machine-guns, I hope?" (No just the flame-thrower. BGH)

 

"Ein deutscher Mann tragt keinen Regenschirm!"

"A German does not carry an umbrella!" (Oh the shame! BGH)

***Hey - if David Irving can make up rubbish about WW2 then I don't see why I can't. BGH