Arty Bees Books Blog

24th May 2006

“In a week when the earth had already shaken twice, the small stuffed bee began a crazed dance across the slippery countertop as the dust was expelled from the books on the upper shelves. The woman behind the counter wondered fleetingly if she should make a dash for the one spot in the entire bookshop where she wasn’t completely assured of being crushed under several thousand books. After all, it had hurt a great deal when she had dropped just one copy of Jane Fonda’s Workout Book on her foot that morning, and it wasn’t even as if that was a good book. Making up her mind, she stood up and moved to a spot beneath the art books. They may be heavy, but at least they were worthy.”

Earthquakes, rather like first lines from novels, are never exactly the same.
But first lines, unlike earthquakes (and the rather bad, tongue-in-cheek novel beginning above) can at least be fun, or frightening, or exciting, or surprising, without the chance that it may be the last one you ever encounter.
Which is a good thing, because if there was even a small chance every book you ever picked up could be The Big One — i.e. the one that flattens half the city you live in, cuts the power to your house for several days, and possibly kills you and your cat — I think book sales would be rather slow.
After all, one of the nicer things about reading books is that it doesn't often come under the heading of X-treme Sports, and they very rarely need to be sold with health warnings.

On a positive note, in over 14 years at Arty Bees I have never had more than a couple of books fall off the shelves in earthquakes, and even then, they were fairly lackadaisical falls from grace — we won’t stand for any of that poltergeist projectile book nonsense, thank you very much!
But even with that in mind, as head DIY-er and resident general paranoid fretter of what-ifs, I can honestly say it has crossed my mind where to go in the shop if The Big One ever hit — a thought that I’m sure many Wellingtonians would share.

Anyway, welcome to May’s blog, a celebration of earthquakes and other fears and paranoias, and a new format to our What's new page. Matthew and Hamish have been avoiding doing real work for the better part of a week, dreaming up a new and exciting method of information distribution for this part of the website.
So, for those of you who hang out for the latest on the weird and wonderful books that have come into Arty Bees, the change has the added bonus that this page will be completely updated every week— a feat of miraculous dedication I have never been able to achieve for more than a few weeks at a time in the past.
And for those of you who are looking for something a bit more exciting (Phew! you dare-devils you!) it now comes with a weekly quiz — pit your wits against the Boys from the Bees! — silly book covers, and staff reviews of books we've been reading.

But before you run away to find out What's new and exciting, we hope to make the earth move once again for you this week, with a brilliant and witty newsletter. Risqué, even.

Well, OK so that may be a stretch.

Which brings us back to earthquakes.
You see it did occur to me, while standing in the doorway in my pyjamas at twenty to eleven last Tuesday night,* (Ok, so I’m over thirty now, I’m allowed to be that boring and be in bed by then) that earthquakes are one of those things that produce a huge range of bewildering responses.

First comes the initial surprise and self-doubt — “Is that an earthquake? — Hey, you over there, can you feel that or is it just me? Maybe it’s the chicken I had at lunch…”

Then slight fear as the reality sets in.

Then, action, as you leap for the nearest doorframe or under a table.**
Of course for the earthquake virgins among us or for the perpetually unprepared these two steps are often interspersed with confusion, panic and a frantic attempt to remember what those public service adverts on TV say you're supposed to do with yourself. ***

Apprehension is next, as you wait it out, “Is it going to go on for long?” or (as is more often the case,) if it has already stopped, “Is it going to do it again? Will it be bigger? Will I have time to get some clothes on before it does, or will my battered body be found naked but for 1 sock and a towel around my wet hair, my hand clenched in a death grip around my deodorant spray?”

Finally there is relief and maybe a little foolishness of sorts, especially when it’s over before it really got started and now you’re standing in the doorway twiddling your thumbs — a bit like when you take your car to the mechanic because it’s making a funny noise but as soon as you get there it stops (Ed: the noise, not the car).

This is when you usually decide it’s over and you can safely go and ask someone else if they felt it too.
After all, if it was only A Little One (instead of The Big One), it really might have been that chicken you had for lunch (self-doubt again), and if it was A Relatively Big One you get to commune in the togetherness of mass experience and trauma — (inclusion, and a sense of wellbeing stemming from being a member of the pack).
Oh, and of course, if you can find someone who didn’t feel it, then you get to lord it over them, “I can’t believe you didn’t feel that” (Leaving you with a heightened feeling of superiority and my personal favourite, gloating — a common after-survival response.)

And lastly, and this is the bit that always gets me, running through the entire experience is the overwhelming feeling that if only you could get some sort of guarantee that it was all going to be OK, then it might actually might be kinda fun. Certainly exciting. Especially if you are crammed under your desk with the hot delivery boy from the fifth floor…
I'd want that guarantee in writing though.

Which brings up an interesting point.

Any other life experience with a gamut of emotions this extreme would have its own self-help book, but strangely I've never seen one for dealing with the emotional aftermath of earthquakes. And I've seen a lot of self-help books.
Now, I must also admit to a slight case of Biblioipseauxiliumphobia # and I have yet to find a book to help me with this ailment either, so I can only conclude that there are some fairly fundamental gaps in the current self-help publishing industry that I think should be addressed immediately.

For example, you can get books on being motherless, (or on having a mother who makes you wish that you were motherless,) books on how to deal with kids that make you wish you had stayed celibate, books on how to survive your family in general, or alternatively, books on how to blame them for all your problems.

There are almost as many books on how to meet and greet people that you aren’t related to, books on dating in all it's bewildering variety of forms, and on perpetually dating people whom you don’t actually like. (See our self-help Inspirational Present Finding Flow Chart for help with this.)
Certainly the quest for relationship gurus is a wide and wild ride, with so many books on the topic you could literally spend your entire life reading them and never get through them all.
Oh, and of course you wouldn’t actually have time to ever leave the house and meet anyone.

Although, you could solve both those problems by specialising in reading books on how to love yourself ##, of which there are just as many titles.

Which brings us to books on how to be more efficient in life and at your job.
You can read about how to not hate your job, about how to find a job you love, about how to make LOTS of money at your job or by not having a job at all. ### (Thereby presumably solving that “I can’t get a date” problem, and the “I hate my job” problem, and almost certainly the “I really want that car” problem all in one fell swoop.)
You can better your job skills by learning how to be ruthless in business, or how to be nice in business, and finally how to be nice and ruthless at the same time.
While juggling three stock portfolios and a meat axe with one hand. Very cunning!

At the non-personal relationship end of the spectrum you can learn how to deal with chronic pain, compulsive behaviour, body self-loathing, eating too much, eating too little, eating non-food items, eating your pet, pet bereavement, or just liking your pet toooo much… (Oh dear, and we’re back to dating again…)

And just in case you suffer from Isolophobia (the fear of being alone and excluded) there are the books on conquering your fears, and this is where I think the publishing industry has let us all down.

We have hundreds of self-help, business motivation and relationship books at Arty Bees, and not a single one on Bolshephobia (fear of Bolsheviks), or Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (a fear of long words), Pentheraphobia (I’ve got this fear — I have yet to find a specific book about it though!) Rhabdophobia, (being beaten with a stick — I’ve got this fear too, but I think it may be a common one) Catagelophobia (being ridiculed — got it (the fear, not the book on it — I just have to suffer in silence!), Aulophobia (flutes — I'm not scared of flutes,although I am scared of clarinetists) or Lachanophobia (vegetables — I'm totally OK with all fruit and veges although I am too scared (OK so maybe repulsed is a better word) of peanut butter to suffer from Arachibutyrophobia— the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth).
I once met a guy with a horror of ice-block sticks. I don't know what the name for that is, but I know we don't have a book on how to cope with it in day to day life. (Ed: perhaps a little Pop (-sicle) Psychology?) Poor man.

People all around the world are missing out on the DIY mental health revolution and I think it's time to redress the balance. People with unusual fears and phobias are being marginalised.
After all, being able to get a date is not going to help very much if you suffer from Deipnophobia, a fear of dining or dinner conversation.
Or even worse, your date turns up in a red nose that honks when you squeeze it and shoes that are 4 sizes to large for them and you suffer from (tragically untreated) Coulrophobia. (A fear of clowns! — a very common phobia.)####

I would offer to pen some of these much needed books but for a few problems.

1. I have never studied any sort of psychology. I know this doesn't stop a few authors but I'm a bit pedantic and when writing I like to at least vaguely know what I'm talking about. Or I like to make a lot of bad jokes — one or the other — and most successful self-help books are very serious.
2. As I stated earlier, I suffer from Biblioipseauxiliumphobia.
3. I'm also very disorganised and can't seem to find the time. (I've been meaning to read some time management books, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.)

Sorry.

So it's up to you good people. Write your little hearts out until you need a helpful self-help helping book. Or a stiff drink.

I know you'll make me proud.

In the meantime, to sharpen up your self-help recognition skills here is a quick test — Which of these self-help book titles did we just make up?

• Where Does a Mother Go to Resign?
• You Can't Spank a Kid in a Snowsuit & Other Lessons on Parenting
• Toxic Parents — Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life
• Tickle His Pickle (I swear I didn’t make this one up)
• Not Now Honey, I'm Watching the Game: What to Do When Sports Come Between You and Your Mate
• We'd Have a Great Relationship If It Weren't for You: Regaining Love and Intimacy Through Mutuality
• How to Be Happy Though Married
• Let's Get Divorced
• How to Marry the Man of Your Choice (We'll give you a tip — If you don't like him don't say "yes" when he says "[insert your name here], will you marry me?")
• How to Make Your Man Behave in 21 Days or Less, Using the Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers. (Not at all insulting is it, Fido? — Good boy, now fetch me a cup of tea.)
• How to Eat Humble Pie & Not Get Indigestion
• The Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping With Chicks
• To Be a Woman: A Self Help Book by Michael Yatron (Gee thanks Michael, you sound like an expert on the subject)
• 14,000 Things to Be Happy About
• Boldly Live As You've Never Lived Before: (Unauthorized and Unexpected) Life Lessons from Star Trek (I want this one — it sounds cool.)
• The Right to Feel Bad
• Don't Tie Yourself Up in Nots: How to Untie Yourself from the Can Nots and Should Nots of Life (Whoa! Clever title dude!)
• Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing : The Last Self-Help Book You Will Ever Need (Why, do they know something I don't?)
• Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life : A Kick-Butt Approach to a Better Life
• Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda : Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities
• Stick A Geranium In Your Hat And Be Happy!
• Pack Up Your Gloomies In A Great Big Box, Then Sit On The Lid And Laugh!
• Get Organized
• Get a Life
• I Used to Have a Handle on Life But It Broke: Six Power Solutions for Women With Too Much To Do
• How to Get People to Do Things
• The Brain Worker's Handbook
• Psychic Empowerment For Health & Fitness (Strategies for Success)
• Swim With The Sharks (Without Being Eaten Alive)
• How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis
• Personal Magnetism
• For Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Self-Hypnosis by Heather's Tummy Care
• Chronic Fatigue — on Audio CD (For when you are so tired you can’t even read!)
• Final Exits for Cats
• Love Your Body
• Goat Husbandry
• Do Cats Need Shrinks?
• Denial Is Not a River in Egypt: Overcome Addiction, Compulsion and Fear with Dr. Stockwell's Self Hypnosis System
• Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety & Phobia
• Free from Fears: New Help for Anxiety, Panic and Agoraphobia
• Set Yourself Free from Logizomechanophobia — Now available as an e-book! (Look it up. Ed: Google it.)
• Overcoming Animal & Insect Phobias: How To Conquer Fear Of Dogs, Snakes, Rodents, Bees, Spiders & More
• Dr. Susan Lark's Anxiety & Stress Self Help Book: Effective Solutions for Nervous Tension, Emotional Distress, Anxiety, & Panic (What a Lark! — to everyone with Agnominatiophobia (a fear of puns) I'm very sorry.)
• The Phobia Self-Help Book
• Harmonise Your Life through Tidier Cabling — New revised edition includes Stereo and Computer cabling.
• Overcoming Your Fear of the Dentist: A Self-Help Audiotaped Guide to Controlling Dental Fears (Dentophobia)
• The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need: Repress Your Anger, Think Negatively, Be a Good Blamer, and Throttle Your Inner Child
• 50 Self-Help Classics: 50 Inspirational Books to Transform Your Life, From Timeless Sages to Contemporary Gurus
• Self-Helpless: The Greatest Self-Help Books You'll Never Read
• Going Off: A Guide for Black Women Who've Just About Had Enough
• The Guide to Better Birthdays
• Chicken Soup for the Golfer's Soul
• So Many Books, So Little Time
• Uh-Oh
• Bonkers: Why Women Get Stressed Out and What They Can Do About It
• Married to Television: Restructuring Your Prime Time

Til next time,

Robynne

P.S. You can go and look at the What's New now.

For those of you who are keen on earthquakes, we like the Geological and Nuclear Sciences Website for checking out the latest in rumblings and book toppling events.

And if you feel a need to diagnose youself or friends and family, or are simply doing a crossword, check out the Phobia list.

* Over 7 on the Richter scale although a long way away and over 600 km deep — still it seemed to go on for about a minute. Back

** True earthquake aficionados subconsciously note and remember all spots in their immediate surroundings that offer shelter in the event of major tectonic plate movement — the more paranoid among us consciously check them off the list of “Things to look for in strange places” that constantly flashes up in our frontal lobes rather like annoying pop-up ads.
Tragic, but true. Back

*** The ones about earthquakes, not all the other ones.
Having an emergency stash of tissues and Vicks Vapour Drops for the flu pandemic and not drinking and driving will not help in this situation. Back

# A dread of self-help books. Back

## Batteries not included. Back

### The way to do this it seems, is to write a self-help book.

• Writing Successful Self-Help and How-To Books (Wiley Books for Writers Series) by Jean Marie Stine
• How to Write a Bestselling Self-Help Book: The 69 Fatal Mistakes You Should Avoid by Jean Marie Stine
• The 64th Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul: 101 Stories to Open your Wallet and Rekindle my Flagging Writing Career (Chicken Soup for the Soul) by B G Head Back

#### Of course if your date looks like this and they are not a clown, then you may have another whole new set of problems. Back

Previous blogs

April 2006
January 2006 and the Arty Bees Employment Aptitude Quiz
December 2005 and the Inspirational Present Flowchart
October 2005
August 2005
June 2005 complete with Banana Cake Recipe!
May 2005
February 2005
November 2004
August 2004
April 2004
February 2004
January 2004
September 2003
August 2003
June 2003
April 2003
February 2003
November 2002

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