Why Craft Fairs are Scary and Crimes in the Kitchen

"THE HAPPY COOKER"

By Marilyn Hase and Al Lerman, Heinrich Hanau Publications Ltd. 1977
PB ISBN 0-426-08707-1

OK so we were wrong. 'Be Bold with Bananas' is not the ugliest cookbook every published - this is.

"… If other cookery books leave you limp…" this one "beautifully garnished with saucy illustrations" will in all probability make you run screaming from the room. Or perhaps you'll take it with you and lock yourself in the bathroom (and if this is the case, then everybody should be very worried about you).

Either way, the recipes seem strangely irrelevant. Perfect for that little dinner party with the vicar you've been planning for ages, featuring tasteful, mouth-watering dishes such as:

· Scollop trollop
· Cuntonse Crabs With Lice ("if you have an itch for something different" - and no, we did not come up with that phrase ourselves, it's from the book.)
· Escalopenis Ball-Ognese (some of these titles are slightly laboured but I guess the overall effect is worth it)
· Cherry Trifled With Lady's Fingers
· Pinchanipple Bread (Genius, sheer genius.)
· Wet Dream Topping
· Anus-ette Drops (Yum, yum.)
· Liver Little (Kind of tame, really, but slipping in a good pun is always a good idea)
· Octopussy in Hot Sauce
· Ben Dover Sole with Papricka (The full beauty of this title may not dawn until a couple of moments of contemplation)