Why Craft Fairs are Scary and Crimes in the Kitchen

"OVEN MITTS TO DIE FOR"

By Diane Wallis
The Watermark Press, 1998 ISBN 0 949284 34 3

Well I'm certainly glad you don't have to die to get them! No, you simply have to slave away sewing and crocheting, which is possibly a very similar experience - well it sure would be for me, as I am particularly hopeless at such things.

Proudly proclaiming on the back that it's the third of the "Killer Craft" series (the only other one we've heard of from this series was allegedly called "Death by Tea-Cosy"), this is the kind of book that appeals to people who need to have painstakingly crafted flourishes for everything in their home, be it a frilly cover for their toilet rolls or a knitted jacket to put on the car overnight.

There is something frenetic about this book, a certain phrasing that suggests that the writer knows they are a bit crazy and are laughing helplessly at their own obsessiveness:

"Just any old mitt is simply not good enough. Your hands should look their best, whether covered or bare. But fear not, help is nigh" (Help? It's funny to imagine that kitchen dilemma - "Oh, my God, my oven mitt is dirty and unpresentable! Whatever shall I do? Wherever shall I go?!!) "in this delightful new book by Diane Wallis. With new-found knowledge and skills in mitt construction" (This sounds like engineering rather than knitting!)
…"you'll shake your fist at cruel fate and lift a searing pot with impunity. Yes, really!"

Yes Really!
Yes!! Yes!! The moment that all humanity has been waiting for!!!

To be fair, a lot of the designs in this book actually are really cool, and if you enjoy this sort of stuff it's probably quite fun. But we did think that this design was especially over the top - and I gotta say, maybe a little hazardous as well. You sure wouldn't want those sunflowers catching fire…