A woman's place
Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood
By David Coory, Zealand Publishing House, 1989, paperback,
ISBN 0 908850 02 6
One of the illuminating quotes featured on the back of this book read thus:
"It made me cry… I could see why so many things went wrong."
Well, after taking a look at this book for myself I can truthfully say that I can relate!
The cover's proclamation that the reader can "Discover with Angela the beautiful teachings of the world famous course that has saved thousands of marriages" coupled with the picture of the smiling, serene female on the back cover leads the casual browser to conclude this book was actually written by a woman. However, deeper investigation reveals the author to be none other than a certain David Coory, (whose name puts Ed. in mind of another famous nutjob David, Mr Koresh) (not, I'm sure you'll agree, a very fascinatingly feminine name and it's unlikely that he's had gender reassignment surgery) who, no doubt with years of careful research, has managed to penetrate deep into the heart of the feminine mystique.
I believe that this is a reprint of the teachings/book of some evangelical American woman, reprinted here, on our fair shores with the backing of one of the more extreme church groups. Oh joy.
The main focus of the book appears to be the "saving" of your marriage and the proper care and upkeep of your womanhood.
Oh, where to begin?
Well, how about with "The Warning of Fascinating Womanhood? It's surely no less than our duty to make sure you are fully aware of the potential dangers."
Apparently, "When you live Fascinating Womanhood, you walk a path of no return. Your husband will never again be satisfied with the old you." You have been warned.
Arty Bees would like to issue a warning too. This book is icky, and you may have to take a shower after reading it.
So, wondering what these feted "ten secrets" are?
Well, we don't want to spoil it for you; let's just sample some of the best (by the way, these are direct quotes).
Number Two: Admire His Masculine Qualities. Never Wound his Sensitive Pride*.
Common mistakes wives make: (edited highlights — believe me, there are many):
"Excelling him in a male-dominated sport, such as athletics, golf and pool…"
"Going out to work when he preferred that you didn't."
"Giving him advice when he has not asked for it."
"Suggesting he call a repair-man when he is trying to repair something."
Damn, so I guess opening jam jars is out of the question, then... I'll just have to have dry toast till he comes home.
Batman* would like you all to know that he doesn't have that much "sensitive pride" and the implication that he could be so fragile has hurt his feelings! He's a MAN you know!
(* BGH's resident man.)
Number Seven: Make the Most of Your Hair, Your Figure and your Health
Well, this page is wrong on so many levels...
(Actually the first woman looks like an old boyfriend if you add a beard and moustache and get rid of the girlie ribbon, so fair enough, it does it for me, baby!)
"Do you know the hair-styles that men find most delightful? They are the cute hair-styles we do for our little girls."
Eh? Gross. (There are so many allusions in this book to looking like, and interacting with your husband like a little girl I'm sure most men would find the pedophilic overtones highly disturbing.)
(See also The History of Lesbian Hair)
Number Eight: Femininity Delights a Man and Depending on Him Arouses His Love
Things Men Find Unfeminine in Women:
- Drinking alcoholic drinks — whoops
- Swearing — ***** mphh *****
- Loud laughing — well you shouldn't have written this book then
- Telling jokes — how many Fascinating Women does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because that's a man's job!
- Loud, boisterous behaviour, including whistling — how about burping?
- Shaking hands too firmly
- Driving trucks, vans or large cars, any type of sports-car, or riding motorbikes.
"Watch what men do, and do the opposite."
We at Arty Bees advise that one should choose carefully which man you look at.
Also covered in this chapter are such burning issues as:
- Why being dependent on your husband arouses his love
- Why self-reliant women never win a man's heart
- Appear to be helpless in masculine tasks
- Are men put off by intelligent women?
Number Nine: To Obtain Your Needs From Your Husband, Ask as a Young Girl Asks Her Father
Urrrggghhhhhh! Now that's just nasty!
Number Ten: Handle Anger in a Child-Like Way
Remember, girls, "impudent cheeky behaviour distracts a man and is fascinating to him."
Dudes, this is just unhealthy!
And finally, some helpful hints on how to understand your man:
"The tense, moody man is often in a job unsuited to his talents"
Poor darling!"The forgetful, thoughtless man is often an intelligent thinker with his mind on more important matters"
Like golf."The man who is lazy at home maybe putting all of his energies into his job away from home."
Or his mistress.
So, you thought The Lani was Science Fiction....