ARTY BEES BOOKS NEWSLETTER

1st August 2005

In the history of the world, wars have been fought for many reasons.

For the acquisition of wealth and power, for freedom from oppression, for hatred and intolerance, for religion, even for the joy of war itself.

And we will probably continue to do so, because, essentially, people are a bit stupid.
Not all of us of course, but enough of us to make life difficult.

And even if you think you're not part of that particular qualification of the human race, unfortunately that will probably not stop Joe and Jane Bloggs from down the road (who let's face are a bit slow and narrow minded) at getting upset with the way your trees drop leaves on the sidewalk, and the next thing you know, World War Three.

And all because you didn't own a leaf blower contraption.*

(In fact it is a little known fact that the initial causes of the first, third and eighth Crusades, the Franco-Prussian War and World War One were all gardening related, and don't even get me started on the War of the Roses!)

None of this however will compare with the coming "troubles" that threaten to destabilise the Western world and rip apart the very fabric of our society. I am of course referring to the escalating violence that is erupting all over the world regarding the state of the apostrophe and I'm afraid to announce that Arty Bee's Books and I (a woefully inadequately grammatically-armed webmistress) are leaping into the fray.

This is because as part of a re-branding of our image we are in the process of changing our name from Arty Bee's Books to Arty Bees Books, as we are dropping the apostrophe (shock! horror!) . We are also getting a new adorable Bee for our logo, and both shops will be named Arty Bees (instead of being individually named Arty Bee's and Bizy Bee's).

The termination (some people will say assassination) of the apostrophe in our name is because lots of people forget about it already and because the logo design looks better without it. Also since Bob's retirement it is no longer entirely true. **
We are no longer Arty Bee's Books (personally possessive); we are Arty Bees Books (a noun!).

Well, that's our line of defence and we're sticking with it, but we've already had complaints (from within mostly so far, as well as from customers) and the battle is coming.

I don't expect to survive unscathed. I'm not the most apostrophe-aware person. It's not that I don't care. I do. (Look at how many apostrophes I just used correctly in the last two paragraphs.) Grammar is important, but I have to admit feeling a certain amount of confusion (admittedly, a complacently lazy confusion) at some of the more obscure rules. And, apostrophes themselves already cause me some grief. (Actually, that's not entirely correct - it's my friends and family that give me the grief. The wrongly-placed and over-used punctuation marks themselves aren't complaining loudly. If they we're, we'd all be in trouble).

My partner smiles patiently as he laments and claims that my apparent addiction to commas, and parentheses (brackets) is an unnatural and somewhat pathetic vice. He rolls his eyes at my stubborn refusal to learn the finer points of some basic punctuation marks, semicolons being the worst (these are completely useless as far as I can tell — any in this document are entirely the spell-checker's fault, both the computer type and the human type (Batman, my editor) — I just do as I'm told).
He claims that as a foreigner he is better placed to construct an English sentence properly, as he actually learnt all the rules formally via a paid tutor rather than through everyday (mis)use. This is an argument that has clearly no basis of truth though, as I also get a hard time from several "grammar-nazi"*** staff and family members as well, all of whom speak English as a first language.

So, as you can see, the elephants of war (less scary than the dogs of war but substantially larger) have been unleashed, the heavy munitions are coming out and I expect the militant wing of the Apostrophe Protection Society to call very soon… I'm not kidding, there really is an Apostrophe Protection Society - check out their website!.

However, we may yet survive the charge.

The best-selling book Eats, Shoots and Leaves — The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation" by Lynne Truss (a promoter of the rise of militant punctuation "sticklers and pedants" everywhere) is an ode to the retention of punctuation, and is hilarious to boot. Yet, thankfully, she seems to come out in our favour regarding the name change.

For, you see, personal usage of your own name falls under the control of… well, you!
For example, compare: Lloyds TSB (the Bank) versus Lloyd's of London (the insurance company); HarperCollins the publishing company, which has no space; Bowland, which is absurdly a bowling alley and not an archery range (this one really irritates me); and Lokrite Locksmiths are clearly in dire need a dictionary.
However, it's their name and they can do what they please with it. Just look at what some people choose to name their children. Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa. River and Summer Phoenix. Dirk. Sheldon. Archimatthias. Nelly.
(I'm sorry for mentioning all of you; I know you all get a hard enough time as it is, just trying to make a point).

So, to anyone tempted to take a large Vivid pen to our new signs when they go up, and replace the missing (presumed dead) apostrophe — I can only plead for tolerance, and quote The Times Guide to English Style and Usage (1999) who sensibly advise readers not to pin their mental well-being on such matters:

"Beware of organisations that have apostrophe variations as their house style… …where we must respect their whim."

— Robynne aka the BGH

P.S. I've been waffling so much that I forgot entirely to welcome our new staff member, Tim.
Tim has replaced April who ran away to England last month and he's not only very nice, but also a talented musician and writer and so far he has not tried to torment me too much. I expect that will all change soon enough...

P.P.S. There are at least thirteen deliberate puctuation mistakes in this document, involving commas, apostrophes, brackets, etc — mis-spellings not counted. Can you spot them all?

* Actually, what is it with "leaf blowers"? I mean they look like fun to play with but I fail to see how blowing leaves around is supposed to tidy the garden. Back

**Well it is still true of course, he's still our beloved leader but we needed some sort of grammatical excuse or we'd all be lynched. Back

***Jessica, the manager at our Arty Bee's branch, has been correcting my spelling now for over 17 years; Wendy has been known to hit me on the head with books for much the same reason (and for a lot longer as she is also my sister). Added to that, we have Hamish and Bronnie, who have both done a lot of editing. They all give myself and somebody-whom-shall-remain-nameless (but is much worse than me) a hard time. I find self-help books for bad spellers slipped under my nose, I get taunted in the lunchroom and they rudely spellcheck my internal memos!
Still, I suppose it's actually good for the shop. Certainly it's better than having labels on the shelves that refer to "Navel Ships" and "Atlas's". Back

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