This is the fifth in a series of dispatches from all over the world in which Peter Biddlecombe recounts his battles to survive the black magic voodoo of 5-star international travel. Former European footballers of the year open their own high street bank, alcohol-free lager is invented to give the good people of Oslo an excuse to enjoy themselves, and the formation dancing team of the Ukranian mafia can register 6.7 on the Richter scale.